Tips for Coping with a Family Member's Illness: Trying to be Still when All You Want to do is Run

We all have times in our lives when we have to wait to see how things will work out. We can't flip to the end of the story to see if our favorite characters make it.

I am in that space right now. My dad is dealing with some health issues. No matter how hard I try I can not bend the space-time continuum to see if everything will be okay, and I get to enjoy my dad for many more years. Life stress can cause anyone to indulge in, or develop unhealthy behaviors.

Stress, for those of us with ADHD can lead to some incredibly destructive behavior. Our normally hyper-charged system goes into overdrive from the extra adrenaline in our systems.We often suffer from raging insomnia, and do wildly impulsive things based on our addictions of choice. We make poor decisions because we are tired. Our struggles to focus are intensified as routines are interrupted by ourselves, or the need to care for others.

We struggle to keep still, to fight our urge to bolt. Our desire to seek the comfort of distraction and movement intensifies. Excess is the hallmark of our lack of coping. We may find ourselves over-eating, over-spending, over-drinking, over-exercising, over-reading (yes, it is possible), starting a new hobby, or deciding that now is the time to start building that addition / greenhouse / remodel a bathroom.

Unable to cope with our discomfort and lack of control, we start every project on our to-do list, creating even more stress. You do get a lot of things done, but you often end up exhausted and more stressed, as well as adding to the stress of those around you.

 This is not my first time at the cancer rodeo, standing in the chute, waiting to see how bad, or short the ride might be. These are five tips for coping when a family member has health issues:

1. Breathe. Stop, and make yourself take ten slow breathes.
2. Sit. Stop, and make yourself sit. Set a timer and take ten minutes to check in with yourself and what you are feeling. If possible sit outside. Spending even just a little time in nature is good for you.
3. Hug. Hug the people around you, hold on tight (not in a creepy way). Remember they are stressed too.
4. Stop starting new things. Finish what needs to be finished.
5. Set a timer for a certain time everyday to stop what you are doing and think about the person you are worried about, pray, meditate, send woo, send love, chant, whatever your spiritual beliefs are just do it. Just doing this one thing consistently kept me grounded through a best friend's battle with cancer.

I hope these help. They have helped me keep it together when my life felt like it was exploding.

Ten Tips for Improving Your Sleep--No Really

This is how I imagine most of us would like to sleep, tucked in, snuggled up, with no worries. For most of my life I have not slept well, which results in afternoon episodes like this

  and morning face that looks like this

until I have had my caffeinated beverage of choice.

I worked night-shift for years, figuring if I wasn't sleeping I might as well make some money while I was awake.  As a day sleeper, I developed an unnatural hatred of leaf blowers, lawn mowers, and weed-whackers during that time. I still have periods of insomnia, that combined with my hyperactivity have resulted in re-upholstered chairs, stripped wall-paper, and thousands of written words (NANOWRIMO I am talking about you) in the middle of the night.

Sleep really does make a difference.  Some studies have suggested that going without sleep affects reaction times and judgement as much drinking alcohol or smoking marijuana. Lack of sleep has also been linked to weight gain, poor immune response and depression. Twenty-four hour access to the Internet, unlimited streaming movies and television are often blamed for sleep disorders.
As someone who had issues with sleeping well before the advent of cable television, WI-FI, and smart phones I don't think that simply turning off your devices is the answer. Individuals with ADD/ADHD often have sleep issues related to hyper-focusing on a project, anxiety, hyperactivity, disorganization, and over-commitment,

The following is a list of things that I have complied that have helped me sleep better. I don't address the sleep issues that come from raising children, because I don't have  a clue how to address them. If you have any answers or suggestions, please share them!

I hope these suggestions help you to sleep better, and as always do the best you can.

1. Create a routine before bed. It works for kids because it sends signals that it is time to wind down and go to sleep. A cup of tea or beverage of choice can help.
2. Avoid screens about two hours before bed. Back lit screens stimulate your brain, and the soap opera that is Facebook and social media can keep you awake. Although cute pictures of babies and pets may make for happy dreams, trying to sleep after reading a political rant, a social outrage piece, or some terrible news before bed stimulates your brain in a negative way.
3. Make your bedroom as dark as it can be, and make it a tech free zone. No computers, no TV, and if your cell/smart phone is your house phone locate it so that you have to get out of bed to get to it, do not put it on your bedside table.
4. Prepare for the next day. Get your clothes out, make the lunches, make a list of what needs to be done. Empty your brain of all tasks that you know you need to do and haven't done. This prevents the wake up at midnight, "Oh damn, I forgot I need to..." syndrome that keeps you from going back to sleep.
5. Limit caffeine. I know this sounds simple but finding out how late you can drink a caffeinated beverage and still sleep is vital. I know if I have anything with caffeine after twelve noon, I will be wired until one or two in the morning. Find out your threshold and deploy caffeine strategically.
6. Take a warm bath or shower before bed. It works for kids and it can work for you too. If you want to get fancy try some lavender bubble bath or soap.
7. Exercise. You know you should. Remember taking a walk around the block, gardening, and playing with your kids counts.
8. Check in with yourself. Do you have aches and pains that keep you awake? Do you need a new mattress or pillow?If your bed is not comfortable you will not sleep.
9. Are your animals keeping you up? I sleep better if my dogs are with me but some people don't. Don't be afraid of establishing new rules about who sleeps where, remember you are the boss, even if the cat doesn't think so.
10. Take a minute before you fall asleep to think of good things in your life, even if it takes you more than a minute, it is time well spent.

Bonus tip: If you are re-upholstering chairs in the middle of the night while your partner is sleeping, don't use the staple gun.

The World from the Ferris Wheel

   

We went to the County Fair this weekend.  My kids have gone every year since they were born. Last year was the first year they were tall enough to ride the kiddie rides. This year the first ride they wanted to ride was the Ferris Wheel. 

I asked my daughter what she could see when we got to the top. "The whole wide world, mama, the whole wide world." I asked my son what he could see and he said "Everything but the moon." 

My future farmers and visionaries. 

Fiona Zedde: Delicious Desire_ A Year of Women's Voices

 I met Fiona Zedde  in 2011 when she came to speak at the College of Wooster. We hosted her in our home.  She was lovely, engaging, and totally forgave my goofy dog for destroying an intimate article of her clothing. She gifted us a copy of Dangerous Pleasures (2011).

Being the voracious reader that I am, I finished it in a day, and just like one of her characters, I was hungry for more. More women secure in their sexuality, secure in their desires, and more of Fiona's luscious writing. Her word choice, and character development are exceptional. Her writing is sultry, seductive, and tantalizing. Fiona's stories feature lead characters that are smart, introspective and passionate.  Her novels achingly explore the intersections of love, hate and desire.

In addition to her contemporary novels and stories of lesbian love and desire, Ms. Zedde also has written two urban fantasy novels, Every Dark Desire (2007) and the sequel Desire at Dawn (2014). Her vampires do not sparkle, and would rip your throat out for even suggesting it.

Urban fantasy is one of my favorite genres.  I devoured Every Dark Desire (2007) and had to wait, not so patiently for Desire at Dawn (2014). Be warned!  Her writing is so engaging that I neglected to notice a bat flying around my house while absorbed in Broken in Soft Places (2013).  If you start reading one of Ms. Zedde's novels you may not stop, even for a bat!


                                    My favorite Fiona Zedde books/stories:

Dangerous Pleasures (2011) Risk, longing, denial, death, surrender, and love. What more could you ask?
Every Dark Desire (2007) and Desire at Dawn ( 2014) Hot, sexy, lesbian vampires, no sparkling. Did I say hot?
Bliss (2005) Edgy sexual exploration that leads a woman to her true self. A coming out story that captures the initial confusion and ultimate delight of becoming who you are.
Nightshade( 2012) An assassin makes her way through this collection of stories, kicking ass and taking hearts.
When She Says Yes (2014) A collection of provocative short stories, perfect for (adult) bedtime.

As a writer this is what I have learned reading Fiona Zedde:

1. Word choice is key in provoking emotions and driving narrative.
2. Don't back away from the hard scenes, show them, warts and all.
3. Character growth is story.
4. Complex relationships create a compelling read.
5. Present the reality that is racism, homophobia, and class conflict in your stories.
6. Make your characters, even the vile characters, live on the page.

Here is the link to Fiona's website: http://fionazedde.weebly.com and a short biography:

Jamaican-born Fiona Zedde is the author of several novels, including the Lambda Literary Award finalists Bliss and Every Dark Desire. Her novel, Dangerous Pleasures, was winner of the About.com Readers’ Choice Award for Best Lesbian Novel or Memoir of 2012. Her new vampire novel, Desire at Dawn, is available now.